Next Sunday will be one year since I first laid eyes on Kristopher Tom.Our first date. You really just never know,really. And two days from now, Tuesday September 1st we officially shack up—holy wow.
I have seen "others" suddenly in one fell swoop start to date someone, get all happy, enjoy them and suddenly they are on the fast track to the whole life, love it's all about us package.
Somehow, I didn't really ever see me getting to that packaged place, I've always seen myself as this person who just floats along and things happen, as happiness slides in here and there , but not necessarily that whole gig thing. I kinda get what the whole hoopla is now—you find that someone who "gets" you, spend time learning the center of how it all basically works,you laugh, get your sexy on, realize they don't laugh at you when you require these random things (lotion, lip stuff, eye drops, water) throughout the day to feel centered because they do too , and you just want to squish them because they are so yummy— it's all like a 1970'sStayfree Maxipad commercial of the woman running on the beach all carefree and hippie happy--like an endless summer.
And all that from this little online site called match.com. C-r-a-z-y. I admit I might have been just a teensy bit bitter at all the happy in love buggers, because in truth, other people being all in love BUGS! Somehow finding and having a wonderful, sweet, sexy, good , smart hunk of a man in my life has me camping closer to the other side more days than not.
This has been a year full of so many things in between bitter happy, a lot of very deep life lessons, me lessons, lessons of letting go and mostly of having faith and stepping out of fear. It sucks to realize your own fears ( yes plural) is what keeps youfrom being open, availableand happy in so many ways.
Fear of not finding someone, of him not being EXACTLY what I dreamed of, or me not being enough, fear of hating his shoes, of it being too late, too big too small, I mean I could go on. But really it's been the fear of letting go and trusting in the process and not having to be in control all the time, which has made me feel the most personal happiness. Amen to letting go.
So yes, while I am perhaps freaking out a little bit how this whole shacking up thing is gonna pan out perfectly— how will I get my solo time,The friend time, the us time, the time to be bitchy, irritable, sad or just in TIVO lockdown…. I realize perfection is not required. Showing up, being present, and just letting go and not messing up the happy is really all I am supposed to do.