Highschool Sweetheart

I just came across this in a photo folder from an old computer. Why do we fall in love with bad boys? I know BFF has one of Phin somewhere to post...

Then I found a letter that I wrote to him while he was in prison. I feel like I was much wiser then...

march 13, 2002
dear Jason,

hello. i almost broke today. work was so very demanding. I felt so overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed. have to find a place to live, have to get a smog check, do the taxes, find a place to live—find a place to have me. uhg. I want to let you know that it is okay for you to write me, whatever you want, whenever you want. I know the things that you have always desired, they are the same as my own, and I encourage you to trust me… you always have and just because a little voice inside your head says, ‘don’t write, don’t see anyone…’ doesn’t mean you have to pull away from the dearest ones to you. you are in prison for christ’s sake! you need love… love is a part of you. don’t neglect those feelings. for if you do, you will become harder than what you imagine that that place may have made you. one of your goals should be to maintain a beautiful image of the world. sure, you can come out jaded, mistrusting and live in vain of the world you have learned so much about from having your perspective… but don’t.

I know that when I graduated school I had such distain for everyday life, everyday people, jobs, homes, consumerism, politics… all of it. I consider the year after my graduation to be the hardest one yet. I couldn’t even stand walking into a grocery store, shelves of processed food, made by factories of people underpaid, made out of packaging with no consideration for the environment, and worst of all the evil ‘club card.’ electronic tape, panoptic sorting, categorizing, atomizing, undermining, isolating individuals as a mass. my distain, my over-sensitivity, my anger--- they all let me dig a hole into the ground that kept me in a dark lonely place. and you ask… “what happened, Karen? what made you change?” well, time took away a lot of the severity… taking care of my grandmother let me focus on personal, intimate issues, and yes, I will say it, skateboarding saved me. imagine that. something so simple. something that made me learn my balance in a different way, an activity that made me strive to be better, exhaust me with happy frustration. bonding with the kids who only talked about skateboarding, school, girls and parties. simplicity. you know my love of it. when you let things, and their complexities run around your mind over and over, you can come up with your own solutions or not, but I knew I was never the ONE to save the world. I let a lot of it go and let the intensity settle. I let myself learn to enjoy the things I looked forward to, and began to ignore all the information I had once held so passionately. some of that stuff would have caused me to give up on this life. would have let me settle into that dark hovel and never come out.

and that is what I have to say this letter. love is not a drug that will kill you. love is an emotion, that can bring you both great joy and great sorrow, but far from stories of past great authors, I know that in real life, love can make you grow regardless of it’s potential hurt, and happiness, it will let you grow, and give you peace. remember this.

I love your use of French in this letter. I am so happy to see you learning the language, French is so very beautiful, and I wish I was learning it as well. maybe I will get a book, or a tape and start to relearn it, I know I knew it when I was younger, but like anything, if you don’t practice or use it, your mind just seems to file it in the unused section and you forget.

so its about 11:33 pm, and I just got home from work about an hour ago, I put in a twelve hour day today. quite obnoxious if you ask me. the work load is incredible and the little train that could keeps chugging along… saying, I think I can, I think I can… and I do. I get most of it done, or at least all that I can take. and then close the computer down, and here I am at home, typing away, taking time for myself, writing to you…

I almost cried today. in fact, I welled up while at my desk, looking at database schema, and broken projects. I wanted to cry, I wanted to, but I didn’t. I haven’t cried in so very long, and I think its bad that I haven’t. its not a pride thing, I just haven’t been able to let myself cry. lately, all I want to do is sleep, a form of slight depression I assume. I have everything… and that is probably why I don’t let my emotions get to me. I rarely get wound up about anything, as always… but I am beginning to ask myself, “why haven’t you cried?” instead I hold it in, and get a headache.

I think this is all tonight. I will continue this letter tomorrow or the next.
goodnight. the wind is howling, reminds me of when I snuck out, drove the van up kanan, and stayed at your house for a few hours, with the fireplace glowing while the wind growled outside and moved everything.



  1. Oh, K. I sit here reading it in tears, thinking about you and how much I love you friend. After all these years...you hold a dear place in my heart! Wish I could see you more, but so glad we are in touch again!


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