he just happened to drive by...

that place again.
you know, the place you find yourself after you bump into the ex.
and his teeth are shining new and his antique impala is perfectly renovated (all with his own money)
and he has 2 of these classic he's perfectly rebuilt from the depths of the 60's.
a well behaved dog.
a beautiful soulmate wife.
and they just returned from a great trip to barcelona and paris.
and he throws in the "and if i lost all the stuff i would be just as happy."

but he still drives by my apartment to see if he'll catch me out front.
and today, he caught me.
and today, i ran over to him for 2 big hugs, smiles and catching up for a rushed 4 minutes as the roar of the classic impala rumbled.
and his wife watches the dog whisperer too.
and his brother is renting out his house in hollywood but living in san diego.
the things.
they bother me. they bother me because i know the history. i remember it all.

the days i spent crying and hoping and wishing he would become who he has become.
he's done it. i knew he would become this wonderful, happy, fulfilled person.
i am so proud. (who said, "you can't fall in love with potential?")
and i am so very selfishly sad that i am not a bigger part of his now.
i know in our hearts, we are connected deeper than i can even understand.
the laughs and breakfast sandwiches and beach lounging days. teenage love.
and smiles for miles and tears for years. the future we didn't have.
i love him. i always will.

i guess i just have to resolve to be perfectly happy for him. and try not to feel the bitterness of the past.
live in the now. live in the now.
recognize that i am supposed to be exactly where i am.
happy and grateful for all i have become and experienced.

but damnit. i am getting a condo and a dog this year. yes i am.


  1. 1. omg i love this, its the best thing you've ever written.
    2. im sorry i didn't have my phone to be your bff and process!! (i'm home now call me!)
    3. yes, it's all pretty and doesn't it always seem like such a magnificient , perfect picture? News flash: it never really is EVER the case. There are always scratches on the glass --YEP, even on the sparkly shiney impala windshield.
    4. the wife. as nice and pretty as she may be, she too is full of her own character defects, just like you and me,and everyone else. as pretty as we are, we're still learning this whole life thing and how we're gonna be the best version of ourselves one day, not necessarily today, but a day down he line, and for the record, he is too by the way.
    5. Oh, and just in case you're wondering (we always are) he was able to BECOME the person you always wished and hoped he could be BECAUSE he had you in his life to wish and hope . YOU are a have part of that, trust me and he knows it, and secretly she does too.
    6. Oh by the way, trying and hoping over someone --that's called love. you had it, you experienced it, so many never do, you did and will always, because you are YOU.

    And finally, the condo , and dog, yes you will.
    and beyond.

    I LOVE YOU. always.

    ps- barcelona and paris suck in the spring.

  2. hang in there, peanut. it happens to all of us, on both sides of this coin.


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