I'm Old. Change Is Not My Friend

Being 40 is hard,  not for all the reasons you think, not because I am getting older or not yet achieved all the things "society" lists I should have or be by now--a mom, a wife, own a home etc. I let go of coloring inside those line a way long time ago and pretty much have had peace with that bag of tricks.

Rather at 40, change is just fucking hard. 

I have spent the past four years pretty much LTD solo, trudging along in my singleness with BFF as my co pilot, bitter and happy all along the way.... no major rules or commitment , pay as you go just like a cellphone plan, kind of thing....traveling whenever we decided it was perfect time to go here or there, mani pedi at a drop of a bad looking nail, escapism to my cave and her Santa Monica comfy couch all solo when I want to shut everyone out (which is pretty much 76% of the time) and reaching out to the tribe as the need for love, social-ness or entertainment as we saw fit. Sure , we yearned for love and babies and coupleness and romance but that isn't the point. We figured that would come along in it's own special way just not right away!

I realize I have had no real responsibility to anyone except maybe princess who is not a human being. My only relationship responsibility in the  being a part of "two" has been to BFF who I  realize lately  pretty much mirrors my same ebb and flow of buggerness in that very Thelma and Louise way. 

When BFF  gets all needing her space,or grumpy or "busy"  I know it's not worth trying to get her on my page, so I just take the cue and go do my own thing, AWAY from her and i realize when i get there I needed it too,  the same goes for her with me...it's taken a few years to get here but we got our lesbian wife rhythym going  and it just works. I wonder if anyone recorded the journey here, because I could use a copy this week.

I realize now I am one of two in an actual other kind of relationship--one which is requiring me to figure out all the ebbs and flows in a whole other way and right now I wonder if I am just too old to figure it all out? I am who I am , my needs are what they are, they aren't going to change and to think they will , well that seems unrealistic and well, murky. So I wonder how that works ? This is my new part time gig. I'm gonna crack this nut one way or another. 

Don't get me wrong, I love having love in my life, it's nice and comfy and sweet and interesting and also sexy and saucy and warm and lucky.  Kris with a K is a dreamboat and I know that. I have gratitude everyday even though i feel like an ungrateful (insert bad word here). 

It's just being a new of two is well, new. And everyone who knows me knows new and I don't get along very well at first ...I take time to adjust and let go of my solo-ness and I have to figure out how to do that --and I dont want to have to do it on anyone elses schedule, that only forces me to run in another direction. So i wonder how I walk through it? Slowly, in good time and gently with my person and yep just more therapy to kick my ass in the right direction and call me on my shit. Great.

I guess the one thing that is key for me in a "two" is that the other person really has to be strong , secure,  busy and really independent and right now that feels like finding a needle in a haystack. Two is hard, three is gonna be even harder but I have had to undertake bigger life changes than numbers and if anyone is going to figure it out, it's me.


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